Day 27

How can you make yourself better

I could be skinnier, prettier, less bitchy, more sociable, less crazy, friendlier, more accepting. I could care more, be less of a stress case, not have relationship problems, not get jealous, go with the flow better, have more confidence.
Honestly there are a million and twelve things that I could make me better but that really should not be the focus. I always have spent a lot of time trying to lose weight or look better or just better myself that I forget that I am supposed to be living not preparing for future living. Why would we ask ourselves these questions when it is just creating more things for us to do and worry about. Why can we not just accept ourselves as who we are and roll with that.

Day 26

26- Something that you are trying to figure out or dont yet understand

I always thought you were supposed to be there for others, unconditionally. That there are people that you care about and no matter what the situation you are there to pick up their broken pieces. I thought you were supposed to care about people, and love people, and be open with them.
What confuses me is why we aren't like that. There are people that I feel that way about but they just don't want it. They don't want to need my help.
I guess what I dont understand yet is how to stop caring about someone. How to forget about them. Nobody would really know it because I have a wall of steel when it comes to sharing my emotions. But I accidentally give a shit about the wrong people.

I actually am just trying to figure everything out and I do not understand anything yet. I am naive and out of the loop of life. I don't understand people, or social situations. Like I make it by but they are just so dumb and out of my control. I don't understand the games, and I still play them. I don't even know if I will figure any of this out either.

Day 25

Someone who fascinates you and why


Someone who fascinates me. To be straight up, which I frequently am, especially when nobody is reading, everyone fascinates me.

But SAV that is so general. Shush.

I say everyone because I currently do not have my eyes on anyone, I am not that close to anyone that I do not know that well, and it is the people who are not like me that fascinate me the most. I love to watch people, and learn about them, read them. Apparently that was taught to me, or maybe it was a skill I gained by osmosis or something. Thinking about what other people are thinking about, what makes them do the things they do and what makes them the way they are. Many times have I considered taking psychology classes because sometimes I am just so curious of what makes humans do stuff. When people screw me over or fuck with me, I usually am not mad at them I just wonder what in the world could have made them do that or think that is okay.
So many people were raised differently than me and think in completely different ways than me and have been through so many different things that me. I just want to talk to someone and get to know them and learn about them and be with them. Right now though, I have nothing. I am not searching. The best ones just come to you, the most fascinating will find me.

Day 23

How have you changed in the past 2 years

I think I have changed immensely in the past two years, probably the most I have ever changed personality wise and figuring out myself wise. I do not think it was really all the best changes I have made but they all have an effect so I accept it and regret nothing.

 2 years ago I was concluding my freshman year of college, where I was naive and a child to say the least. I still made the best decisions and I was completely stress free while thinking I was stressed. Now I know so many more adult things and make stupid choice while still weighing the consequences. Back then I still believed in a good in people and still believed in trust and if we are being extremely honest I don't know if I believe that as much anymore.
I think my mental health has definitely changed from when I was a freshman, I have struggled and am really trying to work on that because I have not been worried about myself. I almost think I am more self aware.

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Even from the last time I have wrote this I have changed. I feel like I keep growing and changing every second into who I am supposed to be and more importantly who I want to be.
I am slowly learning about myself and recently may have uncovered something that may explain alot about me. I am not prepared to share that with anyone, but it had completely changed my mindset and I feel very different about things.
Everyone changes every second so I am sick of people saying anything along the lines of "you've changed" BECAUSE YES I DID AND SO DID YOU. Every single thing that happens to someone effects them. No matter how numb or in denial you are about it.

Day 24

Your favorite movie and what it's about

My favorite movie is Perks (The Perks of Being a Wallflower)

It is about a boy named Charlie, who is a lovely form of crazy. This movie makes you feel with him very hard. It is about his high school journey dealing with friendships, relationships, school, family and writing. He meets the group of friends that I wish I would have had. They introduce him to new things but are also there for him. It is just unfortunate that he is a freshman and they are all seniors. I have been there. He deals with mental illness, as well as the weight of some past hardships which make his journey a little bumpy, but then again whose road doesnt have a few potholes. 

I am currently reading the book for the first time and it is just as good. I feel that the movie did a great job so far but also the book is bringing a little more insight that makes it a new story again to me.

The first time I watched this movie I didn't even watch it, it was just something that was playing in the background, which makes me laugh at what I was missing. Had I watched it then would I have liked it less. Would I associate it with something different. It really set off a friend of mine but I think he really felt for it and that didn't change my love for the movie.